paralell

you don't know.

you don't know what it's like to be mentally ill.

if you're not mentally ill...
you have no idea what it's like to be mentally ill

these people are in your life.
they are the people you dismiss as being fucking crazy.
we are fucking crazy because we can't understand the world you live in.
we don't understand a world where we don't exist.
and that is how we view the world
a world without us. 

believe me.
i am shit if i see something momentous that i am not a part of
but
no one can touch me if i had the smallest hand it something sucessful
my life feels like it is dictated based on other people successes.
and it can change minute to minute
you can imagine how confusing this may be for someone
I fucking hate myself for it.  

you don't get that in that moment - in that half second - you are all that exists to me, you are the most important thing.
you don't know the significance of the things happening around us

you don't know what it's like to be born with a hole in your heart
with no purpose built in.
you live with what you were born into.
you are a product of your environment
...until you realize you're nothing
that your environment has gotten you nowhere
you haven't done anything special.
you are not the kid who painted from the day they were born then became a painter
you are not the one who loved music then became a musician
you're not even the one who discovered something late in life
because you don't
feel like you can do something every day
it's just
not the life you've lived
the lifestyle you lived has taught you nothing
and you hate yourself because you feel like you can't be any other way
you've tried
you've failed
you give up
you live the same life
you hate yourself.

you don't know
that we fight these demons
without our knowledge
until someone
something
tells us different
this is how the world is
has been
and always will be.

Unless you're me.
annoying. analytic. but. lacking. 
a seemingly self sufficient being
who can barely
function
"low functioning"- as i have been clinically described.
within the common folk
i am often described as  "intelligent" "bright" "smart" 
i love it
but
consider: borderline personality disorder - if someone tells me i am these things...I AM THESE THINGS...until proven otherwise...

....awkward

....ignorant

anything contradictory to yourself....in that moment. that sad self assured moment. 

so you punish yourself. 
you test yourself.
you always. test. yourself.
and you especially test the people in your life.

YOU are the subjects of these test.
the thesis we base our life on
and every time you fail our secret test...we become a little more worthless to ourselves.
i could blame you
but i am too self aware.
so.
it must be me.
only answer.

call it weak sensibilities
but i know I am strong.
I may look strong, sexy or confident

and I do feel these things

but in a second of weakness
I can
I will
become

a weak

mess

there are few words for it


imagine:

the tragic howl of someone who has lost their way,
someone who is desperate

well
i am no stranger
(see: a fortnight prior)

I only write this to inform the masses

we walk among you.

we mean no harm

we're sorry for having complicated your lives
or making you feel
targeted
we just
don't know
what else
to do.

we know you feel that way
so we count the days
hours
minutes
until it seems
acceptable
to contact you

this
is
reaching
out.

you know that person.

our actions to us feel justified
especially to my particular brand of over-analytic, over-emotional mental anguish that seems to gnaw at me.

many of us have been put in our place
more than we can count
but no one has taught us
how to be
a person

my foremost haunting thought
is "I'm not even a real person"
and i feel it. often. 
the words ring in my ears
as my fists twitch
in a sorry attempt to not inflict pain on myself

it seems sad
but it feels like another built in flaw
it's like a tick

in those seconds life becomes
a scary
scary
place
but
it is the place
that my life always seems to lead to

this is the life
of someone
struggling
with mental illness

it's convoluted
it's messy
it hurts to put something so
ugly
out for public consumption
but
it is a purge
i need it.
i need someone to see it
i need something.
a silent understanding
anything
or
something

 

Happy Holy Fucking New Year:

We did it without killing ourselves

or

I hope I don't feel fucking lonely later...

I dreamt that if we were on that spaceship
the on that stephen hawking talks about
the one that only takes 72 years to get to the nearest earth-like planet
even if we were traveling at astronomical speeds (light years/second)
that we would have an entire generation born on the ship
no matter how long our live spans had been extended
the engineers and sociologists would be entirely responsible for shaping
an ENTIRE GENERATION
of hand selected
probably white
probably well eduated
probably healthy people
to breed
and inhabit a new planet
colonize
and eventually destroy that planet
through consumption and consummerism
the big Cs
like CUNTS.
and....CINEMATOGRAPHER

i really don't like closets.

they scare me.
a lot.